He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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