I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
