i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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