this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
