I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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