the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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