i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
