i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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