I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
