my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
