I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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