guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
