Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
