So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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