My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
