Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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