I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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