uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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