At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
