How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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