I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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