i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
