my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I AM VODKA MAN
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
