There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
