my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She's the barista slut.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize