Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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