You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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