Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Drake has all the answers
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
