I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
