Your tits are I can't wait for
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
