ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
