yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
