He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
