Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
