I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
