You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
