Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
