So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Randomize
