Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize