is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
