I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize