My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
