I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
