hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
