You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
