Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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