Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
