Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
