Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
