Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
