I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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