We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
