it's too hot outside to masturbate.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
