I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
