Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
