I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
