I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
