Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
