I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
