weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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