just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize