Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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