So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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